


ugly

by polaroidexit



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Exhaustion, Falling In Love, Friendship, Insecure Kim Junmyeon | Suho, Insecurity, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Studying, denial of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 20:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14003787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polaroidexit/pseuds/polaroidexit
Summary: By the time Yifan rushed back up the stairs, ran into the unlocked apartment, the bathroom door was locked.





	ugly

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Junmyeon glanced at his phone out of the corner of his eyes and caught a new message.

**(Minseok)**

**I know you're still up, Jun. Get some rest.**

He leaned back in his chair and checked the time. 2:38 AM.

He looked back at the study notes that's probably over twenty-five pages and his heart skipped a beat with anxiety. Everyone has been telling him to take a rest or get more sleep but he just can't, not when he knows he is going to fail on the finals. It was Math last semester and he can still remember Luhan had watched him like a hawk — made sure he went to sleep early and ate properly, reassured him that he was not going to fail and the Math final was going to be just fine. But that wasn't the case this time, this was  _Biology 12_  we're talking about and he just sucked at Science in general.

Failing at general academic courses meant restarting. Failing meant no backup plan for a career. Failing would prove that he was right, that he was a failure.

His fingers hesitated over his pencil because he knew he should get some sleep for tomorrow's morning classes. But he just couldn't shake the constant feeling of anxiety and  _guilt_ off because he wanted to— no, he needed to write down more. He needed to complete more so he could score all the tests. He didn't need to disappoint anyone any further.

His phone lighted up with another message.

**(Minseok)**

**Please.**

A sigh escaped his dry lips and he almost goes limp as he stood up from his desk. He knew everyone was worried about his health at that point, and he didn't want to disappoint Minseok anymore so he slipped under the gray covers of his bed then everything went black.

Completely black and dreamless.

 

* * *

 

He passed the final.

"See, I told you that you could do it," Luhan said quite teasingly as he came to stand beside him. Around them, people were either dancing to the bass boosted music or catching up with friends while drinking that unknown purple substance.

Junmyeon didn't understand how people could look like that. How people could look so relaxed, so happy. How they can smile like that without a care in the world.

He watched closely as he focused on how people's lips stretched wider into a grin, how they threw their heads back as they laughed loudly, how their cheeks went all the way up with a shine. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he do any of that carelessly? He felt his own eyebrows closing in, probably placing a frown on his face. 

He didn't understand why he was like that. He passed the final, yet he didn't feel the wave of relief he hoped for desperately. His family came to congratulate him at graduation and he finally got to spend time with them — with recently taken pictures to prove so — yet he felt sad and stressed. His friends were always there for him yet he felt empty like a shell abandoned.

It wasn't fair. He didn't want to feel this way.

"You okay?" He snapped out of his thoughts to Luhan waving a hand in front of his face.

Was he? Was he okay?

He was probably fine, right? He would feel better when he got home, right? He was just imagining the unhappiness blooming inside his chest. That was definitely it, he was just over exaggerating about all the feelings, he was just imagining everything.

"I'm fine." He replied. He didn't know exactly why but he felt a pang of surprise in his chest. Probably because he expected himself to stutter or have a pathetic voice crack. Probably because he expected that he would break down into little tiny pieces in front of Luhan, in front of hundreds of people in the room. 

 Again, he was just imagining it all.

 

* * *

 

He might have been a bit drunk, just a bit. Yixing may or may not have given him a few bottles of vodka. Or rum. Or tequila.

Hey, it wasn't Yixing's fault. Junmyeon had a choice, and he chose to down those bottles himself. But that just meant he's kind of idiotic.

Somewhere along the way, he began to see two Sehun. Everything was kind of blurry and wavy but he wasn't nauseous. Yet. He might be Superman, guys! Next thing you know, maybe he could take on several different diseases.

"Hyung, you should stop drinking. That's a few empty bottles right there." Just like me, he thought with a bit of bitterness sinking into his chest. He could see Sehun's serious face on; with the still eyebrows and thin lips.

But he was still adorable, unlike him. How do people look so handsome? All his friends looked so good yet there was him.

"Hyung, I'm flattered but—" Shit, did he call Sehun handsome out loud? He sighed and put his head down between his arms on the counter with embarrassment. "—ah, Yifan-hyung," Sehun said while Junmyeon heard footsteps approaching.

Junmyeon internally groaned at Yifan's name. Great, a drunk and pathetic Junmyeon right here. Just throw the most handsome man in the world at him and watch Junmyeon humiliate himself, make a joke out of himself.

"I'm not appreciating that groan, Jun. Don't hate me  _that_ much." His skin shivered at the hot breath near his ear. He needed to stop accidentally voicing his thoughts out loud, he thought.

He could hear the teasing in the other's voice. He didn't hate Yifan. He can still remember how Luhan introduced Yifan to him and how his skin felt like it was burning under the scorching sun whenever the tall man laid eyes on him. At first, they didn't talk much, just a few awkward eye contacts whenever their friends got together. Then he got to know the other a little better the next semester since they were placed in the same vocal class.

He then got to hear more of Yifan's voice; it was rough and perfectly deep. He can still remember how Yifan's face turned pink when Junmyeon complimented him on his singing. The taller explained that he wasn't confident in his singing since he rapped all his life, but Junmyeon saw how the taller clearly looked down on his own singing skills. Yifan's voice was beautiful in every one of his projects, it was relaxingly deep when he rapped passionately yet he managed to bring it all the way up to such gentleness and softness when he sang ballads.

Yifan had talent, unlike Junmyeon. Yifan had a chance at his dreams. Junmyeon didn't.

Junmyeon was always afraid that his voice would crack whenever he tried to sing. And he couldn't even rap properly. He knew everyone was lying when they said his singing was one of the best, he knew they just pitied him.

He was ugly and cracking like dried mud. He kind of wanted to cry whenever he thought about how his dream of a solo debut was impossible to reach.

At least he passed his final.

"I'm gonna take you home, alright? God, tell people to never offer you alcohol again." Yifan's voice brought him back to reality.

My god, did he disappoint Yifan as well? He sounded disappointed, didn't he? How many more people was he going to disappoi-

"Hey, don't sleep here, okay? C'mon." Yifan's warm hands gripped his right arm and the left side of his waist. He felt warm, and that felt really nice. His legs began to feel like jelly, and by the time he realized anything, he was limp and heavy in Yifan's arms.

"Jesus— okay, at least tell me your address. Jun?"

It felt like cotton candy in Yifan's arms. It feels _safe_. But he felt guilty because that wouldn't be fair to everyone, would it? Did he even deserve that feeling? Did he deserve heavenly feelings like that? It felt like he was flying but not too high because he's a bit afraid of heights. It felt perfect. It felt _right_.

He frowned when he felt like Yifan was still calling his name. It sounded so far away. He was probably imagining it all again, because why would Yifan waste time on someone like him? It felt unreal, strange, like a dream since Yifan was Yifan and then there was him. It must have been fake.

 

Still, he didn't want to wake up from the dream.

 

* * *

 

Voices started to blend into the buzzing noise in his ears. His head hurt like hell, his skin felt dirty and dry, and his whole body was too sore. He didn't even have the energy to sigh defeatedly.

After a few minutes, the voices gradually got louder and it was then that he realized it wasn't Korean. He tried to focus and he guessed one of the voices belonged to Zitao. And the other…was that…Yifan?

Wow, he never would have though Yifan's voice would sound that different in Chinese.

Why were the two of them there though? Why was  _he_  here? Where was he anyway? He wanted to open his eyes and figure where the hell he was but his instincts were desperately telling him no. His eyelids felt dry as sand and the headache was getting worse.

He groaned.

"Junmyeon?" Suddenly Yifan sounded a lot closer.

He tried to hum in response but it came more like a gurgle.

"I'm guessing you have a shitty headache right now. Will get you aspirin if it gets worse, sounds good?" Yifan's voice was softer that time, no longer affecting his pounding head as much. That felt nice and comforting as well, with Yifan being so kind to him. He felt like a little kid again with the way Yifan talked so gently, it was almost as if he travelled back in time to that one day when his 8-year-old-self had scraped himself in the knees and his older brother calmed him down with his voice.

He nodded slowly, head moving heavily across the pillow. "Good. It'll all be better soon, Tao's getting you water and a bucket. You don't feel nauseous right now, do you?"

Yifan sounded awkward like it was the first time he was taking care of a hungover person. Did he look worried? Or bored because he probably had better things to do than to take care of Kim Junmyeon? His curiosity got the best of him so he forced his eyes open and let the bright light slowly sink in as he attempted to take in his surrounding. 

When the bright light dimmed — his eyes adjusted, he found a pair of dark eyes staring back into his. They're soft and gentle, nothing like Junmyeon expected.

Yifan's forehead was smooth, completely perfect. His skin was also perfectly fair, his nose naturally cute above his rose pink, shiny lips. Junmyeon took a glance around the room and recognized the place as one of the guest rooms in Zitao's house. His eyes betrayed him as it flicked back to the sparkling lips.

"Flattered by all the staring but I need to check if you're all fine and stuff."

God, he felt so dead inside, he didn't even feel his skin burn. His skin was definitely tomato red though.

Never ask Junmyeon to represent anything, he would be such a disgrace.

"I-I'm okay, just a headache." His voice didn't crack as he feared, but he felt himself blush furiously. Because he realized he was pretty close to Yifan's face, maybe a bit too close.

"That's good." As if God heard his prayer, Zitao entered the room at the perfect timing with a glass of water as well as a bucket in his hand and a pill between his thumb and index finger.

"Oh, hey, hyung. Here, water and aspirin. And just a bucket in case." Zitao smiled softly as he placed the glass and pill on the nightstand while the bucket on the floor beside it.

"Sorry about all this." The words came out hoarsely before he thought against it. Zitao waved it off with a grin, "No problem, you took care of me several times." Yeah, but he was a pretty shitty caretaker.

"Thanks." It came out a bit raspy as a wave of drowsiness hit him.

He still gulped down the pill and his head hit the pillow once again.

"Go back to sleep, Jun."

Yifan's voice was like a lullaby. His eyes were already closed.

 

It's completely black once again.

Completely dreamless.

 

* * *

 

"Do you ever feel lonely? Feel like you're utterly alone?" That's what Baekhyun said when the younger came and broke down in front of Junmyeon.

Loneliness. It's as if it answered all the questions he asked himself why he felt so sad and empty all the time.

But it felt  _wrong_ because it was Byun Baekhyun of all people that said it. The Baekhyun, Junmyeon knew wasn't like that. Baekhyun was nothing like him.

Baekhyun was such a bright soul, he created positivity for people and he took such good care of people. He was beautiful and pretty on the outside as well as the inside, nothing like Junmyeon.

He ended up telling all those words to Baekhyun, and he prayed that Baekhyun saw the truth of himself. How beautiful and bright he truly was.

The pink-haired smiled at him like an angel, and he wondered if, for the first time, he made someone happy instead of disappointing them.

He wanted to hug Baekhyun so much but no, he couldn't. He shouldn't get the other dirty with his disgusting body. So he called the other's boyfriend, Chanyeol and jealousy swallowed him up pathetically when he witnessed how Chanyeol embraced Baekhyun and whispered how much he loved him in his ears.

It wasn't fair. It felt like hands were dragging him into darkness because he knew it wasn't the same as to how people said they love him. He knew he wasn't loved at all, he knew people just pitied him.

He was curious. How does it feel to be truly loved?

 

* * *

 

"I really like you."

Those words came out of Yifan's lips. The lips Junmyeon always craved.

He wondered, what did he do to make Yifan pity him so much, to the point where he lied with a love confession. He wanted to yell at Yifan, to tell him to no longer pity him, that he didn't need pity.

But he was selfish. That was his chance, he finally had a chance with the man he liked all this time, even if it was unrequited considering Yifan's love was really just pity.

So he reached for Yifan's collar, stood on his tiptoes and pulled the other closer to take his pink lips. He was surprised when Yifan didn't even hesitate as he kissed back. It's gentle and soft but Junmyeon craved so much more, so he tilted his head as he pushed into the kiss even further.

He let out a sigh as Yifan nibbled on his bottom lips softly and slowly. His grip on Yifan's shirt tightened as the other licked his mouth open hungrily and he moaned softly as their tongues met. He found himself stumbling back onto his bed, messing up the gray covers as his body goes limp. A gasp escaped his mouth when he felt Yifan's hands sliding under his shirt, and felt his skin burn under the other's light touches.

He let out a moan when Yifan's kisses moved down to his neck and sucked roughly at the delicate, sensitive skin. Junmyeon was left breathless and blushed hard when Yifan moved back and let his eyes roam over his body. His lips are wet with spit and swollen red, hair sticking out in every direction, neck claimed with marks.

"Beautiful," Yifan whispered before he dipped in for a kiss, sloppy and demanding. He could feel himself arch and grip onto the other's broad back even harder as Yifan's hand palmed his hardened member. He found himself drown in pleasure as their lips locked intensely once again. He felt so lost in all the touches Yifan gave him. "You're so beautiful, Jun." Junmyeon's eyes prickled with warm tears as he got overwhelmed by the words and the wet kisses Yifan gave him. It hurt so much, it was all a lie yet it felt so good to be under Yifan, to be taken care of like that. But he just couldn't let himself take advantage of Yifan's kindness.

He gripped the other's shoulders and pushed him off gently.

"I-I can't." He panted as he looked away, away from the hurt in Yifan's eyes. He sat up to face the taller, still light-headed from all the warm touches.

"Why?" Yifan asked, sounding so tiny and desperate. Because you don't love me, he didn't say.

"Not…just not yet." He lied, guilt sinking into his gut, almost making him nauseous. Yifan's eyes softened and a gentle smile appeared slowly on his face. Yifan nodded and said that he understood.

It hurt so much.

 

* * *

 

Yifan left after he hugged Junmyeon tightly and whispered that he understood in his ears. Junmyeon waited as the footsteps got farther away after he closed the door.

It hurt  _too_ much, he thought as tears spilled and dripped down his gross cheeks.

He felt so numb, too numb to feel anything as his legs carried him around the once again empty apartment. He didn't even bother looking in the mirror when he entered and locked the bathroom.

Instead, he rushed to get all of his clothes off because he felt so dirty, so disgusting and so evil. It was all because of him that Yifan had to lie to make him feel better. It was all his fault that he was such a failure, that he wasn't good enough in the first place. He's so  _ugly_ , he thought angrily as he tore the last clothing off his body and turned on the water for the bathtub.

It was all his fault, he thought as he took a good amount of sleeping pills from the bottle that he always kept in his cabinet.

He had disappointed everyone, he thought as he entered the bathtub when it was filled with hot, boiling water. It burned his skin but all he hoped for was to have all those ugliness off him. He needed to see it all burned off and washed off down the drain.

He loved Yifan so, so much. But he couldn't be with him because he would only hurt him in the end. Was that what loneliness felt like? He didn't deserve happiness in the first place. He didn't deserve the support or love given by people he treasured so much in his life. Was loneliness the answer to his life? A tired smile took on his unsightly face because at that moment, he knew, he  _finally_ figured out what he deserved.

His eyes closed before he even realized it and he could feel sleep take over him as his body went limp.

It was black. It was dreamless. It was  _peaceful_.

 

* * *

He wakes.

But he thinks he's in heaven instead of the hospital because he sees all the people he loves. He waits for those soft smiles to turn into pitying, disappointed looks but it never comes.

Instead, Yifan holds his hand, kisses it ever so gently and mouthes the three words he had always wanted to hear.

Let this not be a lie, please.

It feels good to be loved.


End file.
